Giving yourself permission to be “free” in the New Year

Yesterday my children had what they call at school, “Responsibility Tuesday.”  It requires the student to go online and write down all their grades for each subject, and note what assignments may be missing or look at how they can better their grade.  Of course, I needed to remind both my 8th graders to do their “responsibility” assignment before going to bed.

That action reaffirmed what I had time to think about over the holiday break.  I am, and have always been tagged as “the responsible one.”  The short school vacation gave me time to think about the number of things I have been responsible for over the years.

At an early age, I was responsible for the well-being of my family:  Trying, in part, to protect my siblings during a long period of upheaval in our family due to the untimely death of our parents.  Being orphaned young is difficult at any age, regardless if you are the oldest child or the youngest.  All orphans suffer loss, they just experience it differently with respect to their age, experiences at the time of the loss, and bond to their deceased parent.  I see so much of that in our own family, in the personalities of myself and those of my siblings.

If you mature in advance of other youngsters, it is difficult to look back on one’s childhood.

Don’t get me wrong: I think I turned out to be a pretty good human being, but allowing myself to be completely free and carefree has been a struggle.  A real struggle.  So much so that I feel that I need to give myself permission to loosen the responsibility reigns.

The idea of purposely not doing things right or being utterly selfish is like allowing a salmon to swim downstream.  Responsibility is what my husband and I try to instill in our kids.  The sad part is they need to make those decisions to be responsible on their own.  It is not my responsibility to make them responsible.  I have certainly done enough by example; now it is time for them to pick up their own reigns of responsibility.

 One of the biggest things I learned in 2015 was to focus on my own well being.  Having suffered severe gastrointestinal problems last year, I had to regroup and focus on my health.  This new year allows me to start off by feeling healthier and spending some time reviewing my plan on taking more time for myself and actively working on staying healthy.  Although staying healthy for my family is important, staying healthy for my own longevity and enjoying life has to be more about me.  I recognize that staying healthy to fulfill responsibilities is not the true reason to stay healthy.  The true reason to stay healthy is to maintain and enjoy life.  It has taken me into my 50’s to finally figure this out.

Although I don’t expect myself to jump out of any planes soon (I am terribly afraid of heights), I do hope that I take this year to release my inner child.  I am in desperate need of a good mud puddle or a clump of Play-Doh.  The seriousness of business and living can become all-consuming (at least for me) and trying to “jump” into being spontaneous is something that I have been trying to do for years.  A simple thing like eyeing a couple “me” trips away is an exciting proposition.  I’m leaning towards them just for the moments of freedom from the responsibilities of my everyday life.  A gift to myself that is greatly deserved.

 Lastly, I must allow my brain to wander and my heart to be free.  Responsibility does weigh heavy on both my brain and my heart.  Being one to over analyze and think with heart and mind can cause some people to be pretty intense.  I definitely feel that I fall into that category.  It’s not a bad thing, as I’m definitely considered to be fiercely loyal by my friends and one who speaks her mind.  I almost over-care about people when I am certain that I’m not even a thought in their minds.   All in all, I need to find outlets to release the intensity of which I feel, but not lose the great aspects of what makes me unique from others.

Let the losing of responsibility of 2016 begin.  I am ready for whatever path I put forth ahead of me.